My kids are at that magical age when they actually think the things their parents do for a living are kind of cool. Their
mother is a librarian and their father is a writer. In their teen years, I'm sure they will rebel against our family's emphasis on
literature and writing by doing things like refusing to write the letter 'e' or requesting obscure books on serial killers and
ancient techniques of body piercing through inter-library loan. But right now, they enjoy going to the library to see Mom,
and they are always trying to help Papa Chef hone his ability to write humor.
They do the latter by making up jokes for this column.
Now my youngest has a fairly limited sense of humor. If it doesn't have something to do with underwear, bathrooms, body
excretions, or monsters, then it probably just isn't that funny.
As many people know, it is much more difficult to think of a joke than it is to repeat one you have heard. But that doesn't
stop my youngest from trying. Which of course creates humor that is only funny to the child, or an over indulgent
grandparent, or an escaped mental patient long overdue for his or her medicine.
My youngest comes up with some real classics. There was the one that went, "Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"Boogers"
"Boogers who?"
"Boogers on the cat." Followed by squeals of laughter. And when we don't respond with appropriate mirth, he'll ask,
"Don't you get it? Boogers? On. The. Cat?"
We assure him that we get it and we'll laugh a little nervously, glancing at the family pet washing itself on the windowsill.
Mama Chef will patiently tell him to keep trying, but not at the table.
So as soon as dinner is over, he does keep trying.
Lately it's been a whole series of predictable "Whadda you get" jokes. They go something along the lines of "Whadda you
get when you cross a vampire with a dirty diaper?" And his older brother, with the enviable ability to express the tired
sarcasm that only an older brother can articulate, says, "A dirty vampire diaper?" And then he rolls his eyes. Sometimes I
wish I could roll my eyes.
You have to hand it to the youngest, though. On occasion he comes up with something that's remarkable, but it's usually in
that makes-sense-only-to-parents kind of humor.
At lunch the other day, he kept pestering me with questions like, "How about this one? What do you get when you cross a
giant monkey with a bathing suit? King Thong!"
Or, "Papa, put this one in the next column: what do you get when you cross a zombie with a pile of dog..."
And I cut him off with, "Look son, I appreciate your efforts, but Papa's jokes need to be kind of related to food. I call the
column Macho Chef for a reason."
So he sat there, munching his sandwich while deep in thought.
Three seconds later he says, "I've got one, Papa. I promise it will be funny and it's about food."
I don't believe it. Three seconds of thought, and my 8-year old knows his joke is going to be funny? I agonize over these
columns for weeks, honing each satirical phrase and humorous image for countless painful hours, and he thinks he's got a
knee-slapper in no time?
"Okay kid, if you have something funny that I can use in my column, I'll let you pick the desserts for a week."
And he said, "What do you get when you cross a zombie with a jar of peanut butter?
[Wait for it...]
"A zombie that sticks to the roof of your mouth."
So here is one of my sons favorite desserts.
WHAT YOU NEED
5 large sour-sweet apples, like Braeburns, or the ones that grow outside in your backyard
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 cup apple juice or water
1/2 cup quick-cooking oats
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup butter, melted
WHAT YOU DO
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F or 175 degree C.
2. Peel and slice the apples into thin wedges.
3. Place the sliced apples in an 8x8-inch-baking pan. Mix the white sugar, 1/2 tablespoon of flour and ground cinnamon
together, and sprinkle over apples. Pour the juice or water evenly over the apples.
4. Stir the quick oats, 1/2 cup of flour, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda and melted butter together. Scatter this
crumbly gunk evenly over the apple mixture.
4. Bake for about 40 minutes.
Copyright 2007
Macho Chef is a registered trademark
mother is a librarian and their father is a writer. In their teen years, I'm sure they will rebel against our family's emphasis on
literature and writing by doing things like refusing to write the letter 'e' or requesting obscure books on serial killers and
ancient techniques of body piercing through inter-library loan. But right now, they enjoy going to the library to see Mom,
and they are always trying to help Papa Chef hone his ability to write humor.
They do the latter by making up jokes for this column.
Now my youngest has a fairly limited sense of humor. If it doesn't have something to do with underwear, bathrooms, body
excretions, or monsters, then it probably just isn't that funny.
As many people know, it is much more difficult to think of a joke than it is to repeat one you have heard. But that doesn't
stop my youngest from trying. Which of course creates humor that is only funny to the child, or an over indulgent
grandparent, or an escaped mental patient long overdue for his or her medicine.
My youngest comes up with some real classics. There was the one that went, "Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"Boogers"
"Boogers who?"
"Boogers on the cat." Followed by squeals of laughter. And when we don't respond with appropriate mirth, he'll ask,
"Don't you get it? Boogers? On. The. Cat?"
We assure him that we get it and we'll laugh a little nervously, glancing at the family pet washing itself on the windowsill.
Mama Chef will patiently tell him to keep trying, but not at the table.
So as soon as dinner is over, he does keep trying.
Lately it's been a whole series of predictable "Whadda you get" jokes. They go something along the lines of "Whadda you
get when you cross a vampire with a dirty diaper?" And his older brother, with the enviable ability to express the tired
sarcasm that only an older brother can articulate, says, "A dirty vampire diaper?" And then he rolls his eyes. Sometimes I
wish I could roll my eyes.
You have to hand it to the youngest, though. On occasion he comes up with something that's remarkable, but it's usually in
that makes-sense-only-to-parents kind of humor.
At lunch the other day, he kept pestering me with questions like, "How about this one? What do you get when you cross a
giant monkey with a bathing suit? King Thong!"
Or, "Papa, put this one in the next column: what do you get when you cross a zombie with a pile of dog..."
And I cut him off with, "Look son, I appreciate your efforts, but Papa's jokes need to be kind of related to food. I call the
column Macho Chef for a reason."
So he sat there, munching his sandwich while deep in thought.
Three seconds later he says, "I've got one, Papa. I promise it will be funny and it's about food."
I don't believe it. Three seconds of thought, and my 8-year old knows his joke is going to be funny? I agonize over these
columns for weeks, honing each satirical phrase and humorous image for countless painful hours, and he thinks he's got a
knee-slapper in no time?
"Okay kid, if you have something funny that I can use in my column, I'll let you pick the desserts for a week."
And he said, "What do you get when you cross a zombie with a jar of peanut butter?
[Wait for it...]
"A zombie that sticks to the roof of your mouth."
So here is one of my sons favorite desserts.
- Not Far From the Tree Apple Crisp
WHAT YOU NEED
5 large sour-sweet apples, like Braeburns, or the ones that grow outside in your backyard
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 cup apple juice or water
1/2 cup quick-cooking oats
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup butter, melted
WHAT YOU DO
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F or 175 degree C.
2. Peel and slice the apples into thin wedges.
3. Place the sliced apples in an 8x8-inch-baking pan. Mix the white sugar, 1/2 tablespoon of flour and ground cinnamon
together, and sprinkle over apples. Pour the juice or water evenly over the apples.
4. Stir the quick oats, 1/2 cup of flour, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda and melted butter together. Scatter this
crumbly gunk evenly over the apple mixture.
4. Bake for about 40 minutes.
Copyright 2007
Macho Chef is a registered trademark
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