Now I suppose squirrels are good for something. I really haven’t figured out why Whoever's-In-Charge created them, but
my dog may have figured out the reason these annoying filchers of birdseed exist.
I have two dogs. One of the dogs is just a chuckleheaded puppy that seems to think that stalking any kind of critter
involves lots of barking, bounding around, and just behaving as subtle as…well…a puppy.
But the other dog is different. He’s a retired racing greyhound, a sight-hunting predator that can reach speeds of up to 45
mph.
Never one to pass up an opportunity, the other day when he went outside to do his biological duty, he was keeping an eye
out for any unsuspecting squirrels. The puppy was over near the edge of the yard, barking at an evil piece of paper, or
trying to bury itself in the gravel driveway or something. I was watching from the kitchen window.
Suddenly the greyhound’s head came up and he looked across the yard. I could see, about 300 yards away, the mama
and papa of a family of little brown squirrels leaping at Mrs. Chef’s birdfeeder in order to knock the sunflowers seeds to
the ground. Two young squirrels were on the mound of shells beneath the feeder, learning the family business and giving
their parents encouragement. The adults joined the kids on the ground and they all began stuffing their cheeks with seeds,
never realizing the mortal danger that had just sighted them.
Now the greyhound, he’s not too subtle. Most all of his life he only needed to go fast and turn left, kind of like a
NASCAR driver. In this case, he just stalked forward a few feet, ears perked and eyes locked, and within five steps he
was cruising at top speed and crossing the yard like a line drive at the World Series.
The squirrels didn't yet realize that fate had magically transformed their Teletubbies picnic scene into the final 5 seconds of
the climax from the Road Warrior.
As I watched from the window, a part of me was saying, "Oh itty-bitty sweet squirrels, run little family. Flee, or the evil
greyhound will surely crush your little heads." But another part of me, the part that buys the dang birdseed and has to
remount the birdfeeder every other darn week was saying, "Get ‘em!"
A few heartbeats later, the squirrels sensed something just might be amiss. Mama Squirrel took a break from her cheek-
stuffing, looking up to see a 70-pound predator hurtling towards her family at over 60 feet per second.
How curious, she thought.
She nudged Papa, who also glanced across the yard. He froze. I could just make out a seed fall from his little paws as he
stood there atop the mound of sunflower shells.
He blinked.
And suddenly the whole family bolted, seeds spewing from their cheeks and shells scattering beneath their paws as they all
peeled out trying to escape the path of their impending doom.
I could almost hear the screaming chitters as they ran towards the tree trunk, but it was too late. The greyhound had
arrived, like a crazed pro wrestler launching himself into a pile of Beanie Babies.
For a second or two it was a chaotic cloud of flying birdseed, scrambling squirrels, and snapping teeth. One-by-one, the
squirrel family shot up the tree trunk, until the greyhound was left at the bottom, staring up at the panic-stricken rodents.
The dog huffed once, turned around, kicked the dirt with his rear paws, and trotted back across the yard. It took several
seconds before the family tried to save face by scolding his receding backside.
He’d shown those critters.
For my dog, squirrels exist so that he can scare the dickens out of them.
WHAT YOU NEED
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
3 cups quick-cooking oats
1 cup chopped almonds
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/2cup chocolate toffee chips
WHAT YOU DO
1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (about 165 degrees C).
2. In a large bowl, use a blender to cream together the butter, brown sugar, and the white sugar until it is smooth and fluffy.
Mix in the eggs and the vanilla. In a separate bowl, mix the flour, baking soda, and salt; and then stir that into the creamed
mixture until blended. Mix in the quick oats, almonds, and candy chips.
3. Spread the mixture in a greased sheet cake pan.
4. Bake for 25 minutes in the oven. Allow the treat to cool before transferring it carefully to cutting board. Cut into bars.
Copyright 2007
Macho Chef is a registered trademark
my dog may have figured out the reason these annoying filchers of birdseed exist.
I have two dogs. One of the dogs is just a chuckleheaded puppy that seems to think that stalking any kind of critter
involves lots of barking, bounding around, and just behaving as subtle as…well…a puppy.
But the other dog is different. He’s a retired racing greyhound, a sight-hunting predator that can reach speeds of up to 45
mph.
Never one to pass up an opportunity, the other day when he went outside to do his biological duty, he was keeping an eye
out for any unsuspecting squirrels. The puppy was over near the edge of the yard, barking at an evil piece of paper, or
trying to bury itself in the gravel driveway or something. I was watching from the kitchen window.
Suddenly the greyhound’s head came up and he looked across the yard. I could see, about 300 yards away, the mama
and papa of a family of little brown squirrels leaping at Mrs. Chef’s birdfeeder in order to knock the sunflowers seeds to
the ground. Two young squirrels were on the mound of shells beneath the feeder, learning the family business and giving
their parents encouragement. The adults joined the kids on the ground and they all began stuffing their cheeks with seeds,
never realizing the mortal danger that had just sighted them.
Now the greyhound, he’s not too subtle. Most all of his life he only needed to go fast and turn left, kind of like a
NASCAR driver. In this case, he just stalked forward a few feet, ears perked and eyes locked, and within five steps he
was cruising at top speed and crossing the yard like a line drive at the World Series.
The squirrels didn't yet realize that fate had magically transformed their Teletubbies picnic scene into the final 5 seconds of
the climax from the Road Warrior.
As I watched from the window, a part of me was saying, "Oh itty-bitty sweet squirrels, run little family. Flee, or the evil
greyhound will surely crush your little heads." But another part of me, the part that buys the dang birdseed and has to
remount the birdfeeder every other darn week was saying, "Get ‘em!"
A few heartbeats later, the squirrels sensed something just might be amiss. Mama Squirrel took a break from her cheek-
stuffing, looking up to see a 70-pound predator hurtling towards her family at over 60 feet per second.
How curious, she thought.
She nudged Papa, who also glanced across the yard. He froze. I could just make out a seed fall from his little paws as he
stood there atop the mound of sunflower shells.
He blinked.
And suddenly the whole family bolted, seeds spewing from their cheeks and shells scattering beneath their paws as they all
peeled out trying to escape the path of their impending doom.
I could almost hear the screaming chitters as they ran towards the tree trunk, but it was too late. The greyhound had
arrived, like a crazed pro wrestler launching himself into a pile of Beanie Babies.
For a second or two it was a chaotic cloud of flying birdseed, scrambling squirrels, and snapping teeth. One-by-one, the
squirrel family shot up the tree trunk, until the greyhound was left at the bottom, staring up at the panic-stricken rodents.
The dog huffed once, turned around, kicked the dirt with his rear paws, and trotted back across the yard. It took several
seconds before the family tried to save face by scolding his receding backside.
He’d shown those critters.
For my dog, squirrels exist so that he can scare the dickens out of them.
- Squirrel Treats.
WHAT YOU NEED
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
3 cups quick-cooking oats
1 cup chopped almonds
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/2cup chocolate toffee chips
WHAT YOU DO
1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (about 165 degrees C).
2. In a large bowl, use a blender to cream together the butter, brown sugar, and the white sugar until it is smooth and fluffy.
Mix in the eggs and the vanilla. In a separate bowl, mix the flour, baking soda, and salt; and then stir that into the creamed
mixture until blended. Mix in the quick oats, almonds, and candy chips.
3. Spread the mixture in a greased sheet cake pan.
4. Bake for 25 minutes in the oven. Allow the treat to cool before transferring it carefully to cutting board. Cut into bars.
Copyright 2007
Macho Chef is a registered trademark
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